My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
