not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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