I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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