Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
