i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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