Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
