This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
