I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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