Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
