I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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