Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
FUCK WHALES
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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