when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
