If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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