threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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