So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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