Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize