this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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