He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
