the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You're a waste of cheezeits
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
