i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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