so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
smell my finger.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
