my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
