I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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