What a fucking waste of an outfit
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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