I wish I could punch you in the face.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
