i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
