Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
