I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
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I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
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Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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