I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
