His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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