Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
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I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla