look no pants
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?