I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.