She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
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He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
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Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..