ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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