she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
