You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
