Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
it's like iHOP with fire
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
