i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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