dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
