I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
She announced her abortion via fbk
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
