you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
