I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
