Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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