Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
