pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
