The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
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Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
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I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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