she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
