The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
