There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
