she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
