How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You ate ashes out of my bong
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
