Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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