i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
