I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Pants are for mortals
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
